I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
