She is in my trunk
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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