Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
