dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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