Do you still have your period?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
