Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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