bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
