Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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