Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
