I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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