You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
