well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
