Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
