the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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