Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
