Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
