If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
