I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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