if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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