my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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