She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I want to fling myself into the sun
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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