I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
