He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
