Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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