I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
