Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
