You made me cry and you don't even care
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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