Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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