TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
