Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
