So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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