I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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