Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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