I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Found the puke drawer
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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