she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
