I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
FUCK WHALES
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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