i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
