so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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