first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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