I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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