If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
