Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
