This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
