Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
