every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
