Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
