omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
