So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
