Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
