He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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