What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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