It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm really busy with my period
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