I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
