now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just google imaged poop.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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