he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
